The Most Popular Gir- Er, Guys In School
by kwiluvu
Summary: / / This is Draco's bathroom, this is Draco's school and this is Draco telling Harry that he needs to learn his place. / / Absolute ridiculousness. Definite crack, OOCness. Probably won't make much sense unless you've seen the web series. One-Shot until further notice. I do not own TMPGIS. I also don't own HP, but I think that should go without saying.


Our story begins in a boys bathroom on the sixth floor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

"Well, then I was all like, 'no,' and then you were like, 'you are,' and she was all like, 'no, but then you are' and then I was like, 'I kinda am.' So, long story short, she's kinda my girlfriend right now." Vincent Crabbe cocked his head in the mirror and gave a winning smile.

"I am so... Handsome." Draco Malfoy said in response with a small lilt to the last word, his own head tilting to the side. Vincent turned to him, adoration clear in his voice.

"You really are." Vincent laughed a little. "Is there, like, Quidditch practice today?" The door opened and swung shut, admitting a black haired, green eyed boy looking to be their age. He walked up to a mirror and started fussing over his hair.

"Um... Excuse me?" Draco questioned, just this side of confused.

"Hello?" Vincent demanded when the blonde received no answer. The new guy glanced up and blinked.

"What?" Draco sneered at him in response.

"Who the fuck are you?" The new guy cocked his head and raised an eyebrow, turning to face the blonde as he spoke.

"Who the fuck are you?" There was a small, taken-aback pause.

"I asked you first."

"I asked you second." They stood glaring at each other.

"Oh-!" Vincent scoffed, putting his hands on his hips and turning to face the new guy. "He's _Draco Malfoy_, duh, Sixth Year, Slytherin Prince, Death Eater in training?" The new guy blinked.

"Oh."

"Who. The fuck. Are you?" Draco asked again, slowly.

"I'm Harry. I'm new," Harry responded, turning back to the mirror.

"Who the _fuck_ let you in here?"

"Justin."

"Justin who?"

"Justin Finch-Fletchley." Vincent looked visibly distressed at this revelation.

"Justin Finch-Fletchley isn't even in charge of the door."

"So, Harry," Draco began, "let me tell you how things work here."

"I already know how things work around here." Harry turned visibly to his fellow sixth year, face petulant.

"Justin Finch-Fletchley is in charge of the snacks, why is he letting people inside of the door?" Vincent's words continued to be ignored.

"This is my bathroom, this is my school and this is me telling you that you need to learn your _place_." Draco gestured as he talked, voice haughty.

"Guess what?" Harry shot back, shrugging carelessly. "I already know all those things."

"Oh, really?" Draco demanded.

"Yeah!"

"Gregory Goyle is in charge of the door, what the fuck is he doing letting Justin Finch-Fletchley let people in?" Vincent stormed out.

"You're not from around here, are you, Harry?" Draco gave him a cool, appraising glance.

"I just transferred, from Number Four Privet Drive." Harry puffed out his chest.

"Where the fuck is that?"

"North of Number 16, west of Number Three!" He gestured wildly. Draco sniffed disdainfully.

"Well, let me tell you how things work around here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry..." Draco said snootily, making his way forward.

"I already know how things work around here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"

"Really?" Draco snarled.

"YEAH!" Harry roared back. "See, Pansy Parkinson told me all about it!" Vincent came back in, talking quietly.

"Is Gregory Goyle sick? Does he have dragon pox? I feel like his mom might have... Died."

"What the _fuck _are you doing talking to Pansy Parkinson?!" Draco was fuming. Harry smiled triumphantly.

"We have Care of Magical Creatures together!" Draco narrowed his eyes.

"That's my sodding girlfriend, git." Harry huffed.

"Oh really? That's not what Ronald Weasley said."

"Well, Ronald Weasley's a bloody liar!" Harry smirked.

"He seemed to know a lot about you and Cho Chang." Draco caught his breath and reeled back, calming himself by looking in the mirror.

"Okay... Harry, just... What the _fuck_ do you want?" He turned his head to look at the green eyed menace, Vincent following suit. Harry's face went absolutely serious.

"I want... To poop here. Whenever I want, for as long as I want." He gestured slowly with his arms. Draco turned to face the mirror again, taking a deep breath.

"Fine, but know this. I- Do not like you." Draco turned to face Harry again, who turned away and spoke softly.

"I feel indifferent towards you." Draco scoffed, offended, before speaking in a near whisper.

"I'll be watching you." Harry raised a brow and looked at him.

"I'm going to poop now." He began walking toward a stall.

"Wait! Blaise Zabini's mom is sick, Gregory Goyle's mom is a _Death Eater_." Vincent scoffed and rolled his eyes at himself. "Duh, Vincent!" The stall door closed behind Harry. Draco and Vincent's eyes met in horrified stares as grunts, whines, and farting sounds came from the occupied stall. Soon there was a flush and Harry walked out, cocking his head at the two Slytherins with a sly smile.

"Owned. Have fun smelling my poops, buggers!" He raised and arm in farewell and let the door slam behind him. Draco and Vincent each stared at themselves in the mirrors, scarred by the fucked-up events.


End file.
